Smoke and Mirrors

 

My mouth went dry and I guarded my eyes to avoid temptation.  As I sauntered by the window, I stole glances, one, two, three times just to look at her.  Never before had I seen such beauty in white.  She was sleeveless with bows adorning each shoulder.  She would never be a good fit for me and before I could make a fool of myself, I walked right on by.

Less than thirty minutes later, I returned to see her watching me, calling out to me.  

This time, I answered.

“Hello beautiful,” I said to the white dress in the window at Express Outlet.  She said  nothing, but boldly displayed her number.  “I don’t know if we will look good together, but I’m willing to try if you are,” I doted on her.  

Today, I weigh 268 pounds.  40 pounds down from surgery 91 days ago.  I am 52 pounds down from the beginning of this year. I am 59 pounds down from my highest weight.

Today, I went shopping.  I have been shopping many times before, but this time was different.  I dared try on sizes well below what I knew I wore.  I used to wear size 24 pants, today, I bought size 18!  I used to wear size 20 shirt.  Today, I bought 16.  What the actual fuck?  Can this really be happening?  I had to keep going back for smaller sizes.  I was frustrated because the size that I needed was taken by the other lovely ladies that are my size.  

When I walked by Express Outlet, I shook my head and said, “One day, I will be able to shop there!”  I would never have predicted that “one day” was TODAY.  

As I sat in the fitting rooms of three popular clothing stores, I grinned widely and almost cried.  This process of losing weight is 90% mental and 10%physical, in my opinion.  I thought that I had plateaued or started to gain weight because I have not established an exercise routine.  I have been out of town and off my routine three weeks over the last month.  I had no idea.  Then, to try on a size I thought I would not fit and, not only did it fit, but it was too big?!  Mind Blown.  I believe in the process.  I believe in my efforts.  I believe in me.  I believe that I do look sexy in that pink and white shorts outfit that I found in the “smaller women’s section” of the store.  

Yeasss Queen!  SLAY!