Feet and Phantom Phat

Hey guys!  It’s nice to see ya!  I”m not talking to my readers this time.  I’m talking to my feet!  I can't remember the last time I saw the bottoms of my feet. Two weeks ago, I was in the bathtub and, naturally as can be, I grabbed my leg, bent it to the side and washed my feet.  Oh, is this something you do every day?  Well, not me.  I can’t remember the last time I looked at my foot to wash it.  I relied on my trusty sponge, scrubby, or loofa glove to do the job.  Poor toes.  They never got any attention!  

Before this point in my transformation, there were many body parts I could not reach.  If my back itched, I slammed myself against the doorwall and shimmied up and down like Baloo the Bear in the movie The Jungle Book.  If my shoulder blade itched, I moved my bra strap around in hopes to scratch the spot.  There were “other” parts of my body that I had never reached until recently.  Now, I’m like, “Well, hello there!”  

Something else about my body that I am noticing lately is that I have phantom fat.  What?!  You’ve never heard of phantom fat?  You’ve heard of phantom leg, right?  The phenomenon that happens when, even though a part of a body is no longer present, the person can feel sensations in those parts.  I see phantom phat in two different ways.  One is that I had aches and pains in my joints the first few months after surgery.  I was limping a bit and my back was hurting for no reason.  I went to the doctor and, jokingly, said, “I guess my body was used to all that weight bearing activity that now it doesn’t know how to act!”  She said, “Actually, that is not far from the truth.  Your body is used to adjusting and feeling these pains, so it is doing what it always has done.”  What?!  I had a talk with my body and said, “Look here girl!  You are not carrying the same load and you don’t have to move as though you are.”  

The second phantom shows up when I have an itch somewhere, like my belly or my butt cheek.  When I go to scratch it, my hand lands on air instead of on my body.  You get what I’m sayin?  I go to scratch myself and I am inches away from where my body currently begins.  I realize that I have to move my hand closer to myself to accomplish my goal.  I had no idea that this was a thing.  But it is.

Energizer Bunny

 

Energizer Bunny

I went for a walk last week.  A Missy Elliot song came on my Pandora Radio and I looked down to discover that I was jogging.  I WAS JOGGING!  I immediately calmed myself down and assured myself that I could stop whenever I wanted.  And I did.  A few days later, my son and I were out for a walk.  Once again, I looked down to see that my feet were moving faster than a walk and slower than a run.  I was jogging again - a whole block.  Upon arriving home, I noticed that I wasn’t all that tired.  I felt good.  What the hell is going on here?!  

Today, I was walking and a Byonce’ song came on.  Then I was jogging.  I jogged more than I walked!  I did it!  It felt so good that I did some planks when I was done.  Full disclosure - I soaked in epsom salt bath afterward, but the point is that I did it.  Another full disclosure - I got a new sports bra that keeps the girls in check.  Makes a big difference, I tell ya!  Can’t wait to see what my feet do tomorrow.

A Love-letter to Me

I wrote this and published it on February 21, 2022, the day of my surgery.  I then took it down for fear that it might offend someone.  Today, I am publishing it again with hopes that it might help someone. 

Dear Jennifer:

My darling YOU,

    Tonight is the night before now becomes before.  Let me start by saying how proud I am of you.  You and I know that you hold the fucking world together and you do it well, with grace, and determination unmatched.  

Now, my dear, it is time for you.   It is time for you to see you and to have reflected on the outside what you feel on the inside.  This is not a matter of beauty or self-esteem.  This is a matter of life or death.  Anyone who says anything different does not know you.  And that’s okay.  But you would not value the word of any other person you didn’t know, would you?  Then same goes here.

    Tomorrow, you will begin the long-awaited break up with half of yourself.  Tomorrow, you will lose the half of you that has held onto secrets; some that belonged to you and others that did not.  Tomorrow, you will release generational holds that have kept you caged in a body that was not listening to your hints and suggestions.  You will hold on the the half that is generous, kind, loving, supportive, loyal, funny as hell, intelligent, and empathic.  You will release the half that doubts.  You will forget the shitty things that were said to and about you and you will move forward like the Phoenix that you are, Queen.  Move forward toward your dreams that you have kept inside your heart.  Move forward as an example to those who wait and wonder.  Move forward more briskly with more confidence and use your new privilege for the good of those who do not have it yet.  

    I am sorry for times I doubted your intention and ability.  I see you and I love you.  You have carried me for almost half a century.  You have held others as they moved from this life to the next.  You have held your babies and kissed them every day since they arrived on earth.  You have created life and love with the one who chose you, who loves you, who sees YOU.  He sees you as you are and is in love with YOU, no matter what size you are, girl.  Don’t doubt that.  

    As you rest tonight, know that I love you.  I will always love you and I will protect you against anyone who does not.  We have dreams to realize.  We have visions to turn into reality.  We ave so much ahead and I am thankful to you for what has come before.  Let’s celebrate before and celebrate after.  For it is all you and you are all ME.  See you after, my Queen.

Love Always,

Jennifer Joy Jackson Nkansah