Part of the process of healing is being able to eat more, have more variety in my diet and get used to a new normal. For the first few months post-surgery, I was only able to eat ⅓ cup of food per meal. The goal is to eat one cup per meal. Let me tell ya, a plate full of loaded nachos (even a small plate) is more than a cup of food. I am not so gifted at eye-balling measurements of food, or distance, or weight or anything mathematical. I need to weigh and measure, but I feel like I am beyond all that.
This is why, two pounds before meeting my goal of losing 100 pounds in 8 months, the scale started creeping and then jumping up. I recall having this discussion earlier in one of my posts, but I dare not look for the reference right now.
So here’s the story:
It is autumn. It is the time for pumpkin spiced everything, pumpkin bars, pumpkin carving, warm mugs of yumminess and cozy coziness. I wanted some pumpkin bars but found a recipe for pumpkin cake. No problem because I planned to swap out the regular sugar for Swerve. If you haven’t heard of Swerve, it is the best tasting sugar replacement made with something that is not sugar. The powdered variety tastes like powdered sugar and can be licked off of fingers or sprinkled on desserts. So, I made the pumpkin cake sugar free. But I did not swap out the flour for almond flour. I just wanted the taste of something familiar. You know what is familiar? Getting fucking fluffy after eating multiple pieces of pumpkin cake, with sugar free cream cheese frosting, and other comfort foods over a couple of week’s time.
I hopped on the scale expecting to see that I had met my goal. Alas, I did not! I was up four pounds! After reminding myself that I made a choice to celebrate whatever number is on the scale, I considered the sources of my added pounds.
The next week, a friend visited for the weekend and we had nachos (see example in the first paragraph). I made small plates, but they were loaded with beef, beans, cheese, sour cream and tomatoes…and chips. I had beef stroganoff (trying to make one meal for the family fails when it is pasta). Even though I had less than a cup, I think, the pasta is not kind to me. The scale showed that I was now six pounds and then eight pounds away from my goal. When will I learn that I do not have to approach food with a scarcity mindset? I can have a little of what I want, when I want it (sometimes), but I can’t have a lot of what I want a lot of the time.
This scarcity mindset shows up with food as well as with finances for me. Oooooh, ya'll ready for some real truth?
Just like with eating and not measuring or weighing before consuming, I recently learned that I was spending without planning or reflecting or much consideration at all. If there was money in the account, it was going toward something I/we wanted or needed. I had no idea of the amount of money I spent over three months until I received a report stating how much I had made those months. I spent nearly $2,000 on groceries one month…and $500 on eating out. What the fuck?! If we have $2000 worth of groceries, why the hell would we ever eat out? We have a family of four, not twenty-four. Here is why: I had not planned. If someone in the family had a taste for something, that’s what we had. I was throwing away food that had gone uneaten and it ate me up. No. This can’t happen month after month.
So, I am learning to recognize my shit, look at the truth of it, find the root and make necessary changes. I’ve been working with a person who makes connections between finances and the psyche. I’d rather not know, but ignorance is painful and knowledge is “half the battle.”
After returning to my routine of a protein shake for breakfast, yogurt for snack, high protein (smoked salmon, turkey sub bowl or another shake) for lunch and a low carb/high protein dinner (oxtails with beans and veggies or chili with scoops) I am inching my way down the scale again. I will not meet my first goal and so, I will adjust it. What I have learned in this process is way bigger than meeting a goal by a deadline. I have learned that I need and want to eat and spend more mindfully. My morning meditation (I just started yesterday) reminded me that “My decisions today determine my tomorrow” or something like that. In my own words, “If you eat shit today, you wear shit tomorrow.” That is the truth. Can you handle it?
