The Fluffy Stuff

 Here I am, 117 pounds lighter than my heaviest weight.  I never thought I would see 200 anything on the scale.  Yo, real talk.  I am feeling some sort of way about my body.  The skin on my legs is loose and shaky and makes these weird folds where fat used to fill them to the brim and beyond.  My triceps have fallen down.  I convinced my son that it allows me to wave at him twice (two for the price of one!). 

Yesterday, I looked down at my breasts that were pooled in my bra that is now too big.  I moaned audibly as I saw that the fluff is gone, but the skin is there.  My boobs look like deflated balloons when they used to look like ripe eggplants or melons.  I am trying to say it doesn’t matter, but it does to me.  I immediately thought, “I will be getting that lift breast before I’m 50!”  I used to wear a size 42 H.  I am now a 34 DDD.  In a bra, my girls still look good, but when it’s just me and them, they look like they’ve lost their fluffy stuff.  They are flat and drawn (thanks to years of nursing) and I am not happy when I look at them.  

Now, I know that the fluff was fat.  I get that.  I don’t want the fat back, even in my backside.  But, I miss my girls.  More importantly, I dislike the feeling I have when I look at them.  We can’t have it all, at least not naturally.  I did not know that I would lose first in my lady lumps and my humps, but alas, that’s where I started shrinking first, followed by my fingers (WTF).

I want to be satisfied with whatever number I see on the scale and with whatever shape is before me in the mirror.  Will I always find something that needs improvement?  Will I ever arrive at my destination of true contentment with my body? 

I Did the Damn Thang!

 I have lost 100 pounds in 8 months and 24 days!  I celebrated by attempting yoga.  I did not realize I could reach my feet or grab my calf or hold a stretch like I did. I love learning about what I thought were my limits.  I love blasting my limits out of the water and creating new goals for myself.  

My next goal is to keep moving my body, even in the cold.  To add weight lifting for strength.  To continue doing the small and big things that have gotten me to this point and to not sabotage my success because I’ve never experienced it before.  

I am in tears.  That is all.

Daily Decisions

 Every day is a new challenge to do the right thing.  Isn’t that how life is in general though?!  Choose the right foods, set my alarms for my vitamins, move my body, take time to rest, all the things.  I have been at a fast sprint up and slow crawl down the  numbers on the scale for a few weeks now.  After I decided that, even sugar-free, pumpkin bars are  not a substitute for protein, but instead a reminder to my body of what it longs to hold on to, I got back on track.  At least for one part of one day and then one part of another day.  I tell myself that I don’t want to deprive myself of eating things I enjoy because I don’t want to bounce back at the first introduction of that food in the future.  The truth is, I am not willing to give up bread, chips and ice cream. But, here’s the thing.  My body does not like these things. So, when I eat them, I take a little nibble and then leave it alone.  I accidentally took a bite of the full sugar banana/zucchini bread that Jazmin made instead of the loaf she made with stevia.  The crunch of the sugar topping between  my teeth made my mouth water and I moaned “uh oh, I think I have the wrong loaf.”   I tasted my son’s mint chocolate chip/oreo ice cream the other day.  OMG yummmmm.  All I needed was a taste because I knew the consequences would be me getting very uncomfortable or feeling sick with dumping syndrome (if you don’t know what this is, look it up - yikes!).  I wanted some toast with butter.  I can have bread, if I can control myself.  I had a piece and was fine.

This damn thing calls for so much thought.  This thing called life and living and eating well requires us to be mindful about each decision.  Um, Yeah, Jenn.  That has been the case even before your surgery.  And, as they say, “When the student is ready, the teacher will appear.”  

I am listening to my body.  It tells me that I don’t like dairy that much and that I do not enjoy the type of protein shakes I have been consuming for nine months.  It tells me that I need to find time to meditate for a few minutes a day and to intentionally move my body for some minutes too.  It tells me that I am not getting enough water.

Today, the scales reported that I am three pounds away from my next goal.  This motivated me to run/jog this morning and it felt good!  This lifestyle change has impacted my whole life.  I want to do better in my business, with organization, with my finances and my relationships.  I want to leave behind what/who is no longer serving a positive role in my life and strive toward being my authentic self.  The book Finding Your Authentic Self by Lainie Morrison-Freyer is a great place to start if you are on this road to finding your purpose and you want to be authentic in the search. 

 

Things in my life are changing and my daily decisions are impacting more than just me. Can’t wait to see what amazing decisions I make today.