Well well well! It has been a moment but you have not been far from my thoughts. What a journey this life and living continues to be. So much has happened since last November. This year has proven to be the most transformative year of my life. I have learned more about what my body can do, who she is and what she wants. Let me tell you a bit.
Along my journey toward becoming more and more fabulous, I realized that my celebration parties were parties of one. Although I was in a marriage where I showed up full of life, joy, ideas and plans for the future, I never felt celebrated or appreciated. As my friend put it after I published my fifth book, “He acts like you just picked up the laundry.” The point here is not to bash the father of my children. It is, however, taking a moment to point out one light bulb that flickered and let me know that something was no longer serving my highest good.
The rest of that story can soon be found between two covers at a bookstore near you.
For here and now, let’s FUCKING CELEBRATE!
I filed for divorce January 2, 2024 and was on a beach in Maui for my mom’s birthday January 25. Traveling was interesting because, even though it has been over two years since my surgery, there are still things I have to be intentional about eating or avoiding. I wanted to make sure I stayed hydrated, had healthy snacks nearby, did not drink sugary alcoholic drinks. I decided to let my body be my guide and we purchased delicious choices from the grocery store.
I felt so free on that trip. I spent most of the time in my swim suit by the pool, by the beach, on the lanai, by the pool, by the hot tub, back to the lanai… It was a delicious introduction to 2024.
This year has been full of adjustments to my new body. I am holding steady at 170 pounds and still wonder if I look okay. When I pass a mirror, I am still surprised at who is looking back at me. I look different. Sometimes it’s hard to celebrate what I look like without feeling like I am shitting on the previous versions of myself. When I post a before/after picture, someone will undoubtedly say “I love you in both pictures.” Yeah, me too, but if I was still carrying around another 170 pound person, I would be feeling the weight of that for sure. I never wanted to lose weight because I thought I looked bad or wondered if I was beautiful. I knew for myself and had key people in my life who spoke to my beauty (inside and out). And I believed them.
It was not about looks, it was not about eating too much, it was not about wanting to look like someone else. I started this journey, number one, to be a candidate for kidney donation to my then husband. Number two, I was denied life insurance because my BMI, which we all know is stupid and based on bullshit, but continue to follow it and use it as a means to discriminate, was 55. According to the stupid fucked-up BMI info, that means that over half of my body was fat. I needed to get that down if I was ever going to be granted life insurance to leave my children with SOMETHING when I die. Read over that again. According to the life insurance companies, I was too fat to leave my children with a financial gift upon my death. There was nothing medically wrong with me; blood pressure - perfect, blood sugar - perfect, activity and mental health - wonderful, joints and bones and skin, oh my! - perfect. Stupid patriarchy bullshit that makes its way into policies and such!
As I was saying, I have worked hard to get used to seeing myself. My hair color has changed a few times from brown to rainbow to blond/brown. My cheeks are no longer fat, my tatas hang well below the pectoral muscle height and I have plenty of loose skin that makes sounds when air gets trapped and sounds like I am either clapping for myself or making armpit farts like a seventh grade boy. All of this is me, and it is all fucking phenominal.
I have had people ask me questions about my spirituality, my physical changes, my increase in swearing on social media. I have changed and change is good. I no longer live for anyone else. I no longer concern myself with the male gaze when deciding what I want to wear or how I move my body. I am growing in strength and I am a force - you hear me?! I am a force because my assignment on this earth is to seek truth, to walk in it myself and to highlight it in others.
