It has been 21 months since my surgery and I am 140 pounds lighter than I was before surgery.
Today, I stood on the scale and the numbers read 181.8. I jumped off and jumped back on again. WTF? yep, same numbers 181.8. I remember being 180 pounds in high school. I was always aware of the number on the scale that had a permanent place in our small full bathroom. I remember when the scale tipped past the 200 mark and I needed to adjust one lever in order to bump up to the 200s. I didn't do it for the longest time. I just couldn't.
Now, here I am at 181.8.
Funny thing is that some people are asking what my goal is and cautioning against losing too much weight. I want to ask them where they were when I weighed close to 350 pounds. In 2014, I was at my highest weight of 337. There was one family member whom I love who lovingly, kindly pointed out the risks of continuing to grow at the rate I was growing. I can assume that others are also commenting out of love and concern, but it feels like "great, another thing for me to worry and feel shame about." I don't want to look sick. I don't want to look like a bobble head. I also don't want to criticize my neck bones, arm flap and loose skin.
When I had surgery, I told people that my goal was to be under 200 pounds and that I wanted to be able to keep up with my young son. Well, here I am, doing both.
When I look in the mirror, I often do not recognize myself. I love the woman looking at me, but who is she? She is gorgeous, always has been, and she is fierce. Still, there are voices in the back of my head asking Are my cheeks sagging? Are my eyes too far sunken? Are my ribs showing between my sagging breasts? Damn, can we ever just be? Just be in the moment, in our skin, just be?
Yes. We can. It takes effort and it takes boundaries. To the people who ask "how much more are you going to lose?" I say, "I have no idea. I will continue to eat and take my vitamins and allow my body to do what it do." Some people say, well, you don't want to lose too much more.... or what? What will happen if my body says it is most healthy at 150 pounds?
I guess, I say all of this to tell you, reader, to be aware of what you say to people about health and wellness. If you don't know what to say, say nothing. If you want to show support, but the phrases in your head sound dumb, ask the person a question and let them tell their story. It is never okay to ask a person how many more children they will have, or to insist that they have more. It is not okay to ask how much weight they will lose, because who can know the answer to that question. It is not okay to offer more insecurities to someone who is already working incredibly hard to overcome the ones that have been with them for life.
Notice, cheer, celebrate, ask, but keep stupid shit to yourself. (if you are unsure if it qualifies as stupid shit, keep it inside, just in case.)
