Vacation Mommy

Man oh man!  I have more energy now than I can remember having in years.  I am still not motivated to work out daily, but I am accomplishing bucket list items that were impossible before because of my weight.  I took the kids to the ocean - Myrtle Beach.  My husband had dialysis, so it was just me and the kiddos.  I used to have to get a strategic plan together before taking one or more children somewhere.  I mean, I had to make a plan in my head and then have a talk with the kids about how things were and weren’t going to go down.  It was like I moved through life waiting to touch base at home as soon as possible.  That is no longer the case.  My anxiety about everything has lowered to the point that I am on the lowest possible dose of prozac!  I have such confidence in myself, not just because I am more fit and healthy, but also because I realize I’m a badass and have decided to lean into that. 

So, the trip with the kids.  It was magical.  We had fun!  I told them I wanted to introduce them to “Vacation Mommy” whom they had never met.  We have gone on family vacations before, but only to visit other friends or family.  This was different.  I let them lead, let them teach and had a ball.  The first day, I was a mama hawk, watching their every move in the water.  You see, I didn’t learn to swim until I was 27 years old.  My cousin, April, who was seven months pregnant at the time, taught my sister and me to swim after have experienced years of trauma and a scary mama around water.  My daughter, who is taller than I am, was  about 20 feet from me.  My son was splashing around the shallow end.  Both were diving into the waves and learning the difference between Michigan lake water and the Atlantic Ocean.  I was standing between them, in my two-piece yellow suit, darting my eyes back and forth from one to the other. 

After a time in the ocean, we moved to the resort pool.  I learned that I am comfortable in my body.  I don’t care if others look, see loose skin or wonder why this 250 pound woman is wearing a bikini.  I am wearing it because this same woman at 320 pounds wouldn’t dare to.  Get this!  I also learned that MY KIDS CAN SWIM! 
They had a few lessons from my uncle (the father of the cousin who taught me) last summer, but I hadn’t seen them swim since.  My daughter was doing flips under the water.  My son was swimming like a fish!  (when asked if he remembered last year’s lessons, he stated that he had been teaching himself to swim in the bathtub!)  It was at this point that the seven-year-old girl inside of me asked the 47 year-old a question.  “Are you going to play or just sit and watch them the whole time?”  She gave me some suggestions and I took them and ran.  I jumped in and mommy-watched this, mommy-watched that, swam like a Mermaid, tossed my son into the water, and escorted my daughter to the deep end.  We had fun.  And I was not thinking about my body, my weight or the things that go jiggle in the night.  I was able to be present with my kids.

And then…. We went parasailing!  I have wanted to go parasailing for decades.  I never would have gone before now because, I assumed, if I was too heavy to go horseback riding, I surely wouldn’t try floating through the air attached to a balloon with a tight harness on.  Today,I didn’t even think about it!  My daughter said she wanted to try it and I could not let her upstage me lol.  My son was a bit, well, a lot more scared, but he did it too.  There we were, all three of us attached to the bar that started going up up up and away from the boat.  I’m not gonna lie.  I was scared shitless, but my kids make me brave.  I said to them and to myself “This is a once in a lifetime experience.  Enjoy it.  Look around and remember this moment.”  Shortly after I said that, I saw a shark swimming below in the turquoise water.  I made a quick decision to keep my mouth shut about the shark until after our feet were back on sandy ground.

The trip was a success.  We laughed, rested, swam swam swam and ate well.  I was comfortable in my skin.  And best of all, the kids met Vacation Mommy whom I have brought home with me.

I Like to Moved It Move It!

     But in reality, I don’t like to Move It Move It.  I just CAN’T GET MOTIVATED to move.  I know all of the things.  I have to exercise to help my skin not sag so much with the rapid weight loss.  Exercise helps with fe
el-good hormones.  Exercise will help my heart and mind….bla bla bla.  I just don’t wanna.  I have said, on so many Fridays, “I will start Monday.”  I signed up for the YMCA, went the next day for a short swim and have not yet returned.  

Here’s the thing ya’ll.  When  I do get going to the gym, I crush it.  I have to put restraints on myself so that I don’t go too often. I used to set up personal challenges; nine work outs in six days, three double days per every two weeks, first person at the gym in the morning (at least that was the case when I was single with no children.) 

What is it?  Is this sabotage sneaking in again?  Perhaps.  Is this that I am full doing other things, or rather avoiding other things, and can’t fit it in?  Or is it that I just don’t wanna?  Do I make myself?  Yeah, right!  Do I set up a reward system?  Perhaps.  Do I rope my daughter into keeping me accountable?  That’s it!  As of today, my plan is to hit the water aerobics three mornings a week and hit the equipment with my daughter three days a week.  I don’t know, but I have a feeling I won’t say no to her when she pushes me to put on  my shoes and GO! One month ago, I bought new shoes so that I can walk with support.  They still look new.  

What motivates you?  Is it the promise of results?  Is it the need to expel energy and keep a calm head?  Is it your only chance at alone time throughout the day?  When we are the ones in charge, how do we motivate ourselves?  

To my credit, I walked yesterday morning and twice today.  That’s a start, but how can I get to where I WANT to work out?  You know how it is to not only want something done, but to also want it to be done willingly.  When you ask your husband to take out the trash, you don’t just want him to do it, you want him to WANT to do it.  When I implore my daughter to wash the dishes… all of the dishes…in the sink, I don’t want her to do it begrudgingly, I want her to want to do it.  

I guess it doesn’t matter if I want to work out, as long as I am doing it.  Some gym members are cheering right now “She got it!  That’s right!  Do it anyway!”  Yeah yeah, I get it.  I will start small, like doing stretches in my bed before I get up and progress to going for a walk and then,  by Monday I hope, hit the YMCA with my daughter and go to town on the elliptical.  I’ve enjoyed the last three months of losing 19% of myself without working out in the gym.  And now, it’s time to MOVE IT MOVE IT.