Buckle up

 Today was the first time I can remember flying on a plane and not feeling shame.  I am in my seat and no part of me is pouring into the seat next to me.  The armrest is down.  My seatbelt is tightened, I’m not touching my seat-mate with my let and I did not need to ask for a seatbelt extender.

If you don’t know what an extender is, let me explain.  You know the tool that the flight attendant uses to demonstrate how to safely securely fasten one’s seatbelt?  It’s that.  I sued to take one end and click it only my own belt, then secure the other end to the other end.  This allowed me about an extra two feet of belt and allowed me to actually fasten the belt instead of hiding the unclosed buckles under my sweater because the two ends did not meet…not even close.  

At one point in my travels, I started to collect extenders from different airlines because they vary in size and type.  It was so embarrassing to ask the attendant for an extender.  It was even more embarrassing to receive one from a not-so-subtle attendant who would walk through the isle shouting WHO NEEDED THE EXTENDER?  WAS IT YOU?  WAS IT YOU?  Okay, that didn’t happen, but in my head, that’s how it felt.  I have been on five airplanes this month and each belt fit.  I didn’t have enough belt left to pull in order to secure the belt around my waste, but, dammit, it fit.  For me, that is a non-scale victory!

Balancing the Scales

 They say that weight fluctuates within a three pound window up or down.  This accounts for muscle changes, water and the body adjusting to all of the newness.  I have stopped weighing myself daily.  Now, it’s about two or three times per week.  I realized that when I got on the scale, I was disappointed that I had stalled or gained a pound or two.  I thought, “Well, I KNOW that’s how it works with everyone else, but um, not me!”  

I have lost 40 pounds from the beginning of the year until now.  I have never ever lost 40 pounds!  I’ve gained 40 pounds over and over and over again, but never lost it.  Far be it for me to be upset that I have “only” lost 40 pounds in three months.  

Now, before I ascend the scale, I say “Jennifer, you will celebrate whatever number is on the scale!  You are doing great, you are doing your best and this is something to celebrate.”  Then I step on.  Sometimes, my celebration follows a quick gritting of the teeth and “ugggghhh.”  But I throw up my hands, plaster a smile on my face and celebrate my accomplishments.  We can’t always push for the next and the next and the next thing.  Sometimes we have to look in the mirror, smile, wink and say, “Girl, you did a good thing!.”

Just a Little Snack

     

So, you know how it goes once you have decided to break up with a person or thing that is no longer serving you.  You are determined to move forward and not look back.  You have decided that there will be no calls, texts, social media stalking or other unhealthy behavior that would keep you connected to that person or thing.  Then, after time goes by, you think “well, it wouldn’t hurt to just send an innocent text to see how they are doing.  I’ll just say “hey, thinking about you” and leave it at that.  We all know how this scenario ends, well, there are multiple outcomes, but you see them, right?!  

I am glad that I had surgery.  I am glad that I see progress.  I have more energy.  I am at the point where I have not eaten things that I am not supposed to eat.  But, I wonder, would it really hurt me?  I have not gotten sick once since surgery.  Some people experience vomiting (which I have outlawed for myself) or diarrhea, or dumping.  Dumping is when a person has eaten something that processes in the body as sugar, and the pancreas dumps insulin to adjust the blood sugar level.  Dumping looks like this:  sweating, shaking, vomiting, diarrhea,  weakness and more.  I have seen it and I don’t want it.  This is one reason why I have not tried sugar in the last two months.  Fear works for me.  But, part of me wonders if I have just a tiny bit, like one or two or five M&Ms, would it really hurt me?  Or is that more likely to happen if I eat a bag or two?  I have to be so mindful on this journey.  Who likes to think this much about food and eating; besides healthy people.  

Right now, this moment, I want to snack.  Most likely because it is almost time for my period and I usually allow myself whatever treats I crave.  Right now, I want to try my son’s peanut butter pretzels.  I want raisins and animal crackers.  I want Cheetos and Chex Mix.  Maybe I just want to crunch since I’ve been on soft foods for a month.  

Instead of grabbing something that will (maybe) hurt me I asked myself these questions:  Are you hungry?  Are you thirsty?  Are you tired?  Is your memory hungry or your tummy?  Instead of grabbing a fist-full of items on the “do not eat” list, I made a sugar-free peanut butter/chocolate protein shake, with ice.  The ice gave me a little crunch.  It’s not what I wanted, but what I needed.  Now I am too full to think of snacking.

Here’s the thing.  I am breaking up with half of myself because I was hurting myself.  I was hurting myself with the things that I now crave in the same way that we crave good times and memories with the person or thing that is no longer in our lives.  I won’t call, text or reach out to sugar.  I won’t drive by bread’s house or IM Oreos.  I will thank them for the memories, remember the havoc they reaped on my life and leave them where they are.  Next month, when my memories want a snack, I’ll reach for an icy protein shake and keep it moving.

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow

2/18, 3/1, 3/26, 4/2

 I miss food.  I miss eating because something tastes good.  I miss looking down at my plate and wondering where it went so quickly.  I miss grabbing a snack or cleaning off the last chicken nugget or mac and cheese off my son’s plate.  Let’s face it, I miss using my teeth to scrape off the clumps of powdered cheese off of the wooden spoon used to make the mac and cheese.  I miss eating mindlessly.  After writing this, I see where some of my difficulty began.  I miss sugar.  

Here’s the thing, my body does not miss any of these things, but my mind misses what I had grown accustomed to after years and years of conditioning.  Sometimes, it takes me an hour to eat 4 ounces of food.  I don’t sit in one place that long, so, I gather my cute little dish and carry it with me like a squirrel does its nuts.  When I think of my favorite meals, my mind sees the list of ingredients and the protein count - no fun.  Nachos- corn chips, nope.  Big plate-nope, meat, beans, cheese, light sour cream-SURE!  Pizza-crust, nope. (unless it’s almond flour crust that I found last week and will attempt to cook this week).  Meat, cheese, veggies - YUP!  Baked potato - the potato, nope.  The toppings-absolutely.  But what I am missing is wha6t was considered the foundation of my meals.  Think about that for a second. Thanksgiving dinner without stuffing, mashed potatoes, sweet potatoes, mac and cheese, and rolls.  Everyone pretends that the turkey is the star of the show, but we all know better.

I used to get upset when I was eating something delectable and then realized I was full.  Now,I have to stop looooonnnggg before I am full or else I will get sick.  I hate vomiting more than I love overeating.  Don’t they say that a habit forms after doing the same thing for 21 days?  I’ve been at this for 42 days and still have to remind myself not to lick the blueberry cream cheese off the knife after making my husband’s breakfast.  I had decided long ago to eat less real sugar instead of sugar-free foods.  Yeah, that didn’t work either.  

Learning this new body and new way is tough, mentally.  I”m losing inches like crazy and the pounds are going down.  Just like after I’ve taken allergy meds for a while and then decide I don’t need them because I’m fine, I”m afraid I will forget what all is involved in this tool and try to add old habits back in.  Maybe it will become second nature after the next 42 days.

I guess that’s part of the reason I am writing this.  I want to remember that there is nothing easy about it.  It has been physically and mentally tough, but I’m doing it, and doin it and doin it well. 

Happy Birthday to Ya

 It’s my Birthday.  I am 38 pounds lighter than I was at the start of the year.  It’s hard to think about how to best celebrate my Birthday.  Usually, holidays are surrounded with food, drinks, and desserts.  This year is so different.  Number one, there is no one to arrange my celebration but me.  Number two, eating is not that enjoyable to me right now.  I am still in the ‘soft food’ stage until my Birthday and I am really stuck about what to do.  I want to demonstrate to the kids that not eer celebration has to include fatty foods and sugary treats.  Perhaps if we didn’t eat these things year-round, that would be the case.  But, alas, we had “just because” cupcakes last month.  Do I arrange a Birthday walk?  A family movie night?  An all-out cleaning day!

This is where traditions can shift and I just don’t know how to do that.