So, you know how it goes once you have decided to break up with a person or thing that is no longer serving you. You are determined to move forward and not look back. You have decided that there will be no calls, texts, social media stalking or other unhealthy behavior that would keep you connected to that person or thing. Then, after time goes by, you think “well, it wouldn’t hurt to just send an innocent text to see how they are doing. I’ll just say “hey, thinking about you” and leave it at that. We all know how this scenario ends, well, there are multiple outcomes, but you see them, right?!
I am glad that I had surgery. I am glad that I see progress. I have more energy. I am at the point where I have not eaten things that I am not supposed to eat. But, I wonder, would it really hurt me? I have not gotten sick once since surgery. Some people experience vomiting (which I have outlawed for myself) or diarrhea, or dumping. Dumping is when a person has eaten something that processes in the body as sugar, and the pancreas dumps insulin to adjust the blood sugar level. Dumping looks like this: sweating, shaking, vomiting, diarrhea, weakness and more. I have seen it and I don’t want it. This is one reason why I have not tried sugar in the last two months. Fear works for me. But, part of me wonders if I have just a tiny bit, like one or two or five M&Ms, would it really hurt me? Or is that more likely to happen if I eat a bag or two? I have to be so mindful on this journey. Who likes to think this much about food and eating; besides healthy people.
Right now, this moment, I want to snack. Most likely because it is almost time for my period and I usually allow myself whatever treats I crave. Right now, I want to try my son’s peanut butter pretzels. I want raisins and animal crackers. I want Cheetos and Chex Mix. Maybe I just want to crunch since I’ve been on soft foods for a month.
Instead of grabbing something that will (maybe) hurt me I asked myself these questions: Are you hungry? Are you thirsty? Are you tired? Is your memory hungry or your tummy? Instead of grabbing a fist-full of items on the “do not eat” list, I made a sugar-free peanut butter/chocolate protein shake, with ice. The ice gave me a little crunch. It’s not what I wanted, but what I needed. Now I am too full to think of snacking.
Here’s the thing. I am breaking up with half of myself because I was hurting myself. I was hurting myself with the things that I now crave in the same way that we crave good times and memories with the person or thing that is no longer in our lives. I won’t call, text or reach out to sugar. I won’t drive by bread’s house or IM Oreos. I will thank them for the memories, remember the havoc they reaped on my life and leave them where they are. Next month, when my memories want a snack, I’ll reach for an icy protein shake and keep it moving.
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