So Many Thoughts

 So many thoughts.  In about 24 hours, my  bariatric surgery will begin.  I am excited, a bit nervous, curious, and calm.  We had family pictures taken the other day and I finally saw myself honestly.  I am beautifully at a weight that is no longer serving me or my family.  Some people see themselves as bigger than they are in reality.  I realize that, due to high self-esteem, healthy self-concept, positive friends and family, I did not really SEE myself.   Well, now, I have seen me.  For a few seconds last week, I wondered if I really needed to follow through with surgery.  A friend asked me, “Do you even qualify for that surgery?”  I answered that yes, I qualify.  Even though I may look like I weigh somewhere in the 200 pound area, I am actually over 300 pounds.   This is what a 300 pound woman looks like.  She might not sit down to eat a full pizza followed by a gallon of ice cream, she does not refuse to walk out of laziness.  She is not full of depression and hate for herself.  She is not feeding her emotions every time the wind blows.  She is trying to maintain a healthy life for her family.  She runs and plays with her children.  She eats small portions and stands even when a seat is offered.  She laughs heartily, and has friends who love her.  This is me.

The struggles in life  get real right before the change is to being.  With relationships, after you have decided, planned and worked yourself to a place where you are DONE.  It’s over, and today is the day to leave.  Then, when you are about to walk out the door, you remember that the other person has your 007 movie collection in their belongings.  They are not quite finished with the last in the series, so you decide to stay a bit longer before taking or leaving the box-set.  I felt this way when I questioned for a second if this was what I wanted to do.  Here’s the thing.  I wasn’t questioning because I was uncertain about the procedure or the outcome.  I started questioning because “Will the kids eat okay the two days I am gone?  Will my husband get breakfast with bacon cooked to his crispy preference?  Will the house be a mess by the time I’m able to look up to see it?  Will my daughter sleep through her alarm AGAIN without me waking her with singing, shaking, and then threats?”  

It’s hard to shift the focus to myself when I have willingly, gratefully focused on others.  In January, I declared that my goal for the year was to secure my own oxygen mask before securing the mask of others.  I have prepped and practiced with my family.  They know how to pull the straps and breathe.  Now, it is my turn to let them.