Feeling Fucking Fabulous

 
I am in Vieques, Puerto Rico.  On my first full day on the island, people are already asking if I am from here.  “You look like you are right where you should be,” they say. “You are in your element here!”  one woman remarked as she passed by my table for one.  This place is magical and I feel fucking fabulous.  I’ve been to the beach twice and will discover a new one today.  

Yesterday, for the first time ever, I wore a two-piece swimsuit that did not have that attached annoying piece of fabric intended to cover my belly.  I sat down with my turquoise sundress covering the bright yellow suit and the thoughts started coming.  Do I sit here with the dress on?  Do I take it off and just sit in my swimsuit?  Do I take it off and cover myself with my towel?  Every step has so much thought.  When can I just be?

I took off my dress and rested it over my thighs.  Then I set it to the side and got comfortable with my summer read by Jennifer Weiner.  As I continued to steal glances at the boaters and their families as they entered the Caribbean Sea, I realized that no one was looking at me.  They saw me, but they weren’t looking at me.  And who cares if they were looking?  Why is so much mental space spent wondering and worrying about what others think about me?  Who the hell cares?  I don’t know them, their opinion does

not matter and, most of the time, the responses I get are quite positive and involve cat calls and long stares.  

I feel like I have to tell everyone I meet that the me they see is the during in a before and after episode.  Can I just be?  At every stage of this life that I have, just be?  This is my goal.  Figure out what I want, consider who it impacts, and then go for it.  Just be.  I think we miss out on opportunities when we run every move, every bite, every step through the filter of “what will others think or say.”  Like that middle-schooler who was never able to shed the cliques and labels that were put upon her.

Yesterday, I participated in a workshop that included breath-work and sound bowl healing.  It was deep and transformational.  One message that I received from myself was that now is the time for me to grow what I have already started, instead of adding more to my plate.  The other message was that I need to rest - just be still.  When was the last time you were just STILL?  This does not include the five to twenty minutes you stole from your children to sit on the toilet and scroll while pooping.  And why is it stealing minutes when we step away to catch our breath?  It isn’t.  It is gathering strength to get back at it in a better and more mentally healthy way.  So, when was the last time you took time to gather strength and health for yourself?  No guilt.  No shame.  No planning to do one of the 88 things on your recurring list of things that need to get done as soon as possible.  Do you just sit and allow yourself to daydream?  

In what we call daydreaming, our brains are able to create and rest.  The next time you catch yourself staring off and thinking, don’t snap yourself back to reality.  That is also reality and it is giving your brain a chance to do its thing.

And when you can, and I suggest you do when you are able, step away from it all for just a moment.  Cry, laugh, sing, sit and let waves wash over you, climb every mountain; whatever your thing is, do it.  If you don’t remember what your thing is, for God’s sake, ask a friend or ask yourself.  We carry “busy” as a badge of honor and it is killing us.  Slow down.  Let some things go sometimes (like the dishes, not like brushing your teeth).  When you do, you will thank yourself because it feels fucking fabulous.