What If?

 What if I don’t know how to act after losing half of myself?  I have only always been a “big girl,” so I wonder how will my arms hang?  Will my hands face in as they do now when they hang down my sides?  Will they face backward like I see in smaller women?  Is it about the shoulder or is it the bulk in the arm that makes the difference?  How will I carry things like money and napkins if my cups no longer runneth over?  I have even been known to tuck a pink quartz crystal or amethyst stone in my bra close to my heart.  Will it fall out if I lose half of myself?  

How do (what’s the correct term here? skinny, small, fit, svelt, folks with lower BMI) thinner people have sex?  I don’t want to know how they do, but I want to know how I will.  I have been limited to a few positions due to my luscious curves and I just don’t know if I’m ready to go recreating wheels and such.  Is it like riding a bike?  Do you just adjust accordingly?  I know these are things people don’t talk about, but they are truly concerns in my mind, so I will.  

My identity is wrapped up in my appearance and thus my size.  I know that when I walk into a room, I fill it with my presence.  I am noticed.  Will I be noticed in the same way when there is only half of me?  Here is where people will say, “I never noticed that you were a larger woman…and you’re black?  Never realized it!”  Well, I am both of those things and you might not have been aware, but I have been, all of my life.  What will I think about with all of that free time to not worry if a chair has arms that will push into my thighs?  Or if my destination up a flight of stairs is right at the top, or down a bit where I can catch my breath before running into anyone?  

I am excited about a few things that I will get to experience in the next year as I strive toward losing half of me.  One thing is going horseback riding!  I have wanted to ride a horse since I was a child.  When I was going to finally face my fear and take lessons, I was told (by multiple stables) that I surpassed the weight limit for their horses.  Ummmm WTF?  I have seen cowboys bigger than me riding horses, so what the heck.  I will celebrate with riding lessons once I reach the point where I will do no harm to the animal beneath me.  I can’t wait.  I also want to go indoor skydiving.  I took my kids last year and it looked scary/fun.  I decided at the last minute to do it with them - “what the heck!  I will build memories with my babes!”  Well, the weight limit was twenty pounds less than my current weight and I could not go.  Of course, I made up an excuse as to why, but inside I cried a bit.  I am also excited to walk.  For those of you who have been smaller most of your life, you might not know, but not everyone walks without their thighs meeting and greeting at each step.  My legs might not want to be separated.  They might get cold or lonely without the constant heat that is created by the rubbing that causes my jeans to wear thin in the thighs and changes the color of my inner legs.  Maybe they won’t be very far from one another, time will tell.  Oooh, and I want to wear a bikini!  I remember reading that bikinis are not to be worn by women over the age of 35, but who are they to tell me?!  Really, who are they?  I can’t remember who said that.  

I dream, I wonder, I fear, I hope - what if?